At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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