He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
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I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
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Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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