allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
