Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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