I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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