I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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