so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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