well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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