I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
