im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
