Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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