He asked to "fluff my boner.."
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
