My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
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his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Sorry about my life...
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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