They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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