Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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