Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
