so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Text me some of your sweat
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