I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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