i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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