i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Randomize
