I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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