and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
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Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
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And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
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