Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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