at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
