I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
