dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
