dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
