I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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