Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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