god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Randomize
