Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
whose ass print is on the piano?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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