How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
