Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
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