Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
