you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
