It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
