Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
