I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
