I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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