It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
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