I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
it's like heaven, but drunker
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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