No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
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