booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
MIDGETS
????
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
