So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I just forgot I was standing up.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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