Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
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