Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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