the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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