Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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