Dual....:-)
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
