Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Randomize
