My hair reeks of homosexuality.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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