she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
