HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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