allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
