He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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