i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
